Friday, May 3, 2013

.: i am :.

i am...

these three letters, two words are extremely powerful. what follows these two words can either be empowering or destructive.

how many times a day do you end 'i am' with something destructive? how about empowering?

last night on my way home from work, i stopped at target to get a few things. as i was walking around target, i instantly felt exhausted. the workout that i had carefully constructed for the evening seemed insurmountable. how could that be when i was just so antsy and energetic at my desk? through the exhaustion, i got annoyed with myself. here is how my mind works - i had an open evening with NO plans, if i didn't make it to the gym, then it would be a waste of an evening, right? well, what if i went home, rested for awhile and then went to a late night class? but that would most likely ruin my plans of getting up for a 6 am class (i am having friends over after work and don't have time to workout). heaven forbid that i don't work out tonight, accidentally oversleep tomorrow morning and NOT WORKOUT for 2 whole days. then come saturday, i have the Heart Walk all morning for work which will definitely end in appetizers and drinks which may eliminate any type of motivation to work out on saturday. I CANNOT TAKE 3 DAYS OFF. why didn't i get more sleep this week so i had more energy to workout tonight?!?!

i am lazy. i am unorganized. i am unmotivated. i need to do better.

this is literally how my brain works. on my way home from target, i texted drew to see how his day went and to let him know how TIRED i was and that i needed him to keep me motivated to make it to the gym. his response, less than minute later "whatever you want. i just wanna live life...with you"

simple as that. he clearly did not put himself through the entire thinking process that i had - i spent the rest of the drive home wondering why i put myself through this? when i got home instead of running around the house and cleaning (which i typically do until drew gets home from work), i sat down. yes, SAT DOWN and decided to flip through the archives of my blog. i don't know what i was hoping to find by reading about the past, but i was hoping for some perspective - something that would stop my brain from rationalizing not going to the gym or only working 8 hours at the office when i had an open night and could have worked longer. perspective is exactly what i got.

here is a copy and paste of my goals from my VERY first blog post:.

•**run the boston marathon-which means i must qualify, which means i must run another marathon, which means my knees have to cooperate for training (at the rightful age of 22, i have expensive knees that still suck, more on that later....i suppose)
 •get up tomorrow morning at 6:15 and go for a run.
 •start practicing yoga at least 3 times/week
 •figure out what the heck i want to do with my life (career-wise), more on that later as well....i suppose.
 •clean my room
 •be a good momma and tame my kitten somehow.....
 •become a certified yoga instructor

going through that list, i have almost accomplished all of those goals. running, let alone running the Boston marathon isn't in my cards anymore. in ways, i am pained by that fact, but in other ways, i feel grateful. grateful to have given up running to allow my body and knees to heal. grateful that i can remain extremely active and that i only had to give up running. yoga has become 'my thing', i practice at least 2 times a week. clean my room - drew and i do a pretty good job with keeping our place organized and clean (with 2 cats, it is absolutely necessary to vacuum several times a week). speaking of the cats, i believe i have done a good job 'taming my kitten' who is now 2 years old and a big brother. yes, i know he is just a cat, but i am really glad that he has Helen now - they are complete besties and take care of each other (see recent Instagram picture on the right). become a certified yoga instructor - wow, looking back when i wrote this post, i always thought that was going to be something further down the road. today, i have been a certified yoga instructor for over a year. volunteer - this one isn't as impressive, but i am volunteering tomorrow at the American Heart Association Heart Walk and i plan to continue volunteering at several events hosted through St. Jude.

i realized that i missed one, but i purposely left it for the end:. figure out what the heck i want to do with my life (career-wise). reading this just about brought me tears. the couple posts that followed overviewed my new job as a temp on the phones at UCare and how i was extremely motivated to work hard and earn full-time status. speechless. in a year and a half, i got hired on full-time, was promoted to a quality advocate and made a life-changing career move into my dream job. could i seriously be any luckier?

i was instantly humbled. here i was, beating myself up about not working out that night (especially after eating Blue Door chicken strips and an Izzy's ice cream cone 2 days before), when really i have so much to be thankful for.

i will never be the type to 'settle' for anything, so i realize that i may never give myself the opportunity to relish in my accomplishments, but i can help myself along the way with three letters, two words...

i am hard working. i am healthy. i am motivated. i am safe. i am fed. i am strong. i am talented. i am supported. i am happy. i am blessed.

don't be destructive, empower yourself.

always striving for more,
dee b.

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